A New Era of Dating: What the “Male Loneliness Epidemic” Discourse Signals About the Future of Heterosexual Romance

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In recent months, the term “male loneliness epidemic” has become a dominant talking point across media and online platforms. The term appears to have originated from US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy’s warning in 2023 about a universal “epidemic of loneliness and isolation.” Though not directed at any specific demographic, discussions surrounding a male loneliness epidemic quickly sparked, particularly in the highly conservative and misogynistic manosphere. In these spaces, it is frequently alleged that the “epidemic” resulted from a neglect of men by society and women in particular, reflected through unrealistic dating standards, feminism, and general contempt towards men. 

Despite talk of this epidemic reaching both the far corners of the manosphere and popular press, reframing the loneliness epidemic as a chiefly male struggle is both misleading and entirely false. A 2025 study from the Pew Research Center found that there is no statistically significant gender disparity in loneliness—a difference of just 1%—with 16% of men and 15% of women reporting feeling “lonely or isolated all or most of the time.”

It is true that loneliness has been increasing over time, but it is growing universally, particularly among younger people. However, though gender is not a significant factor in loneliness rates, it may impact the substance of our connections. In the same study, Pew found that men are significantly less likely to turn to friends, family, or mental health professionals for support, and that men communicate less frequently with their friends. Other research has found that 15% of men report having no close friends, that men receive emotional support from friends half as much as women do, and are half as likely to say “I love you.”

While there is not a specifically male loneliness epidemic per se, it is evident that men are lacking in the social skills and support necessary to create intimate relationships and navigate difficult feelings and experiences. But one thing is clear: dating, women, and feminism are not the cause or the solution to male loneliness. Suggesting that some women’s choices not to date men are responsible for the collective happiness of men completely delegitimizes women’s autonomy and ultimately promotes rape culture. So why is dating even being brought up? What could loneliness possibly have to do with feminism?

While not the cause of the loneliness epidemic,we are seeing a trend of more and more women turning away from romantic relationships with men. In increasing numbers, women are swearing off men and dating altogether, choosing to be single, remain unmarried or not have children, and even to stay celibate. Birth rates are declining, marriage rates are declining, and sex rates are declining, particularly in young people.

Following the second election of Donald Trump in 2024, there was a dramatic rise in interest online in bringing South Korea’s fringe “4B movement” to the US, a movement that began in 2016 in which women swore off sex, dating, marriage, and having children with men in response to the rampant gender violence and gender inequality occurring in South Korea.

We are also seeing a rapidly increasing divide in political affiliation by gender, with those aged 18 to 29 having the largest partisan gap between men and women than all other age groups. In the 2024 presidential elections, young men swung dramatically to the right, with 56% voting for Trump, marking the first time since the 1988 election of George H.W. Bush that the majority of young male voters voted Republican. In contrast, 60% of young women voted for Harris.

As USA Today contends, political alignment can be a significant factor in dating, with 71% of Democrats saying that they probably or definitely wouldn’t date someone who voted for Trump. With politics in the US becoming increasingly human rights and morality-based, and the security of reproductive rights (a crucial factor in sexual relationships) increasingly fraught, political alignment appears to be a growing factor impacting women’s willingness to date men.

Other sources attribute the decline in women dating men to an increase in women’s rights and autonomy. Historically, women have relied on marriage with men to afford them access to financial security and social acceptance. It wasn’t until 1974 that women could purchase property, open a bank account, or obtain a credit card without a husband. But with greater freedom to be financially independent, many women may be prioritizing dating less. As Diana Simumpande put it, “Women are choosing solitude, not because we have no options, but because for the first time in history, we actually do.”

This increased independence has also brought more attention to the oppressive and unbalanced structure of heterosexual partnerships with men. Even as traditional gender roles are starting to be dismantled in straight relationships, women still bear the majority of relationship labor; they are viewed as the primary caregivers—the “default parent”—and those primarily responsible for household tasks, cognitive labor, relationship maintenance, and social calendars, even alongside full-time professions.

Research from the Gender Equity Policy Institute has found that, on average, women spend twice as much time as men on household labor and childcare, and women have 13% less free time than men. Even more alarmingly, a 2018 study from the Population Association of America found that single and divorced mothers, on average, do less housework and get more sleep than married mothers, suggesting that mothers without partners actually gain time compared to their married counterparts. As an article from the literary blog The Republic of Letters articulated, “Women are realizing that if a man isn’t adding to her life, he’s likely putting a strain on it. Women are done babysitting full grown adults — often alongside their actual children — who don’t know how to do the dishes, make friends, or process their emotions.”

What’s more, even if household, caregiving, and relationship tasks are split equally, women also do an outsized amount of emotional labor. As echoed by Pew’s loneliness survey results, many men lack the emotional skills to build and sustain relationships and do the emotional work that comes with them. Furthermore, research shared on NPR found that men are equally as likely as women to reach out to their spouse for emotional support, but they are far less likely to reach out to family or friends. This suggests that partnered women are usually responsible for the entirety of their male partner’s emotional support needs, while leaving men with practically no support system if that relationship ends.

As heterosexual partnership has become unnecessary for women to participate in society, and these relationships have started to become reevaluated more meaningfully, we are also seeing an erosion in the social clout of dating men. Throughout history, women have been sold the fantasy of heterosexual romance: the prince in shining armor who will rescue them, the meet-cute, the unlikely partnership or enemy who becomes a lover. Women were told that this romance was necessary for them to feel complete, to be a full person deserving of respect, and that single women would be met with public scrutiny (think: childless cat ladies).

However, this narrative has begun to lose its hold, as emphasized by the viral Vogue essay, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”

The article, written by Chanté Joseph, introduces the all too familiar “boyfriend-obsessed” woman who centers her entire personality around her boyfriend and being in a relationship. Though this archetype may have always been annoying, they are a clear example of the social clout that has historically stemmed from being in a relationship, so much so that women would go to lengths to publicly showcase and document their relationships.

Joseph calls attention, however, to a social shift occurring where straight women are moving to a more subtle, anonymous, “soft-launch” way to display their relationships and even harboring some guilt about having one. Joseph hypothesizes that this may be a sign of a cultural shift occurring in which having a boyfriend is no longer the achievement it once was, and choosing to be single is becoming far cooler. This may in part stem from a fear that proudly showcasing a relationship will lead to embarrassment and public shame if that partner ends up cheating on you, saying or wearing something inappropriate, etc.

But Joseph and others discussing her article highlight that there may be more going on than simply a fear of being humiliated. The discourse surrounding this article appears to stem from a broader critique of women who center their personhood on their boyfriend and lose their sense of self. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with having a boyfriend, and they can make great partners, these relationships don’t deserve the pedestal some put them on. Ultimately, this shift has a huge impact on dating standards. When being single was “embarrassing,” the expectations of the boyfriend were lower, but now that having a boyfriend isn’t something to brag about, it has become embarrassing to choose to stay with a mediocre or problematic boyfriend simply to say you have one.

Regardless of gender, people are responsible for being full and capable beings, independent of relationship status. But while women are becoming more and more self-sufficient, men are falling behind and are still reliant on these relationships in many ways. This may contribute to men feeling that the loneliness epidemic is caused by women and dating.

But ultimately, women cannot be the solution to men’s loneliness. It is important for men to build these emotional skills on their own and not rely on their partners to be their therapists or sole support systems. This also illuminates why blaming feminism for this “epidemic” is so misguided. Men and boys largely lack these social skills because they are socialized not to be emotionally vulnerable with others. Patriarchy encourages men to be stoic and ostracizes them for seeming weak, emotional, and being open and affectionate with their peers. This rhetoric discourages boys and men from building strong relationships based on vulnerability and support, while the feminist movement advocates for the dismantling of this system.

Herein lies the root of the issue: tackling male loneliness will require dramatic change, both on an individual and systemic level. It will require meaningfully dismantling this culture that discourages men and boys from seeking real connections and centers heterosexual partnership so prominently in men’s and women’s lives.

Yet many men appear unwilling to take responsibility for their role and address the problem head-on. This has sparked trends of referring to the male loneliness epidemic as a male accountability, consequence, or self-inflicted epidemic. Advocates of this framing argue that men around them are causing or deserve their loneliness and lack of success in dating as a result of their emotionally bare, off-putting, conservative, and violent behavior, and by uplifting traditional masculinity. Blaming women and feminism instead reflects a misogynist pattern that shifts the fault onto women and discourages men from needing to examine or change their behavior and the patriarchal structure it rests on.

As manosphere influence continues to spread, more boys who experience loneliness will be indoctrinated into this extreme misogyny by being told that their feelings are a result of feminism. This will further alienate them from women, rather than providing tools to explore those feelings and learn to build meaningful relationships. Maybe instead of simply talking about a male loneliness epidemic, men should consider: How could I be alienating myself? What have I done recently to seek connection? Why might others have a hard time connecting with me? How can I practice being more vulnerable?

As Pepper Maria so poignantly put it, we are experiencing a “cultural shift” in which heterosexual relationships are not as important and necessary as they once were, leading many women to more deeply evaluate their purpose, what they add to their lives, and what they’re willing to tolerate. While loneliness is increasing and many men may be reacting to feeling that they have no one to lean on or confide in, they may also be responding to feeling less socially and structurally important than they once were, leading them to associate increased loneliness with women. But really, we are slowly seeing an erosion in a huge power structure—heterosexual relationships—which have so long benefited men while oppressing women, and the effects of that shift will feel dramatic.

Ultimately, dating shouldn’t be the center of anyone’s life. Having a boyfriend is not necessary to make women whole or important, and having a girlfriend will not be the solution to male loneliness. It will be up to men to address their loneliness and build the skills necessary to form connections and become partners that make women proud to call their boyfriend.

Government Intern, Naomi Sladkus

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